By: Jesse Taylor/@GSW_JesseTaylor

To anyone with young infants or children who think your sleep will improve as your kids get older, I’m here to point in your face and laugh at you.

My son is 7 years old. Every morning at 3:30 a.m. – and I mean 3:30 a.m. on the dot EVERY morning – he wakes up yelling about needing to go to the bathroom. And it’s not a general statement either. He’s very specific in who he needs help from.

Son: “DAD!!! I need to go to the bathroom!”

Unfortunately, my wife and I came to an agreement years ago that if the kids request a certain parent, that parent must act on the request. I have no idea how or why we decided on this, but I’m guessing it’s because my wife is smarter than me and suggested this idea, to which I agreed, and then she has been telling the kids to always ask for me when they need something and then paying them off with candy.

You know who has the will to argue and fight at 3:30 in the morning? Nobody. Your only goal is to get back to sleep as soon as humanly possibly. So here’s how my life goes every day at 3:30 a.m.

Son: “DAD!!! I need to go to the bathroom!”

Me (in my head): Damn. Not again. Maybe he’ll just go back to sleep if I don’t say anything.

Of course he won’t go back to sleep. He’s awake, he’s yelling and he’s gotta pee!

Son: “DAAAAAD!!! Get up! I need to go to the bathroom!”

Me: “Just go yourself!”

Son: “But I’m scared!!”

Me (to my wife): “Hey, you awake?”

Wife (faking as hard as humanly possible to act asleep): “ —————”

Son: “Come on!! I’m gonna pee my pants!!”

Me: “Just get up, turn your bedroom light on and go yourself!”

Son: “I can’t! I’m too scared!!”

I close my eyes and get about 5 seconds of sleep in before …

Son (yelling 100 miles an hour): Dad if you don’t come right now I’m going to pee in my pants and it will get the sheets wet and then you’ll have to wash my pajamas and my sheets and you’ll never sleep!!”

Every single morning ,yo.

I get up, turn on his light, say some shit about him needing to go to the bathroom by himself and he thinks, “Whatever … say what you want. If you don’t do what I say you’ll never sleep.” We get to the toilet. I join him for a morning routine of crossing swords in the shadows. Toilet flush, lid down, wash hands, back in bed, then this:

Son: “I’m scared. I need you to sleep with me.”

Me: “There’s nothing to be afraid of. Your 7 years old. You need to sleep by yourself.”

Son: “But I saw the lady with the curly red hair.”

Me: “Who, the chick from ‘Brave’?”

Son: “No, a scary lady with curly red hair by the stairs.”

Me: “Give me a break. Was Mireda shooting bows and arrows at you from the stairs.”

Son: No, it’s a mean old lady with curly red hair and she points at me and makes a scary face. She wears rags for clothes and has a cane.”

I pause. That’s some specific shit right there. I hit the hall light and start searching the stairs for this lady with curly red hair, worried that she’ll pop out at any time and start pointing at me. She doesn’t, but I’m still freaked.

I feel bad for the kid. I hop in his bed. It’s not easy. I’m 6-foot-1. His bed is 6-feet. One inch can make all the difference in the world when it comes to comfort.

The Warriors also have a scary lady with curly red hair by the stairs. It’s called “winning.”

I’m pretty sure it’s not real, but everything about it is so specific, it must be. Sometimes I get convinced that this new winning thing was a dream I had. I wake up, and they play the Kings, the Lakers and the Magic, and I realize it’s not real.

But just when I think a losing record is around the corner, they bounce back. They win in Miami. Beat Boston and the Clippers. Like my son, I start to get convinced it’s not a dream. It’s real. But I wake again and they lose five out of six games.

But dreaming is so serene. When I dream, they beat the Hornets, the Clippers and Thunder. It must be a dream. The Warriors are not beating Kevin Durant and the NBA’s best team like that. But you can’t sleep forever. Dreams never last.

See. In real life, the Warriors get destroyed by the Chicago Bulls and punked by Monta Ellis and the Bucks.

Alas, the girl with the curly red hair is fake.


2 Responses

  1. Alan in SF

    Sure, the Ws got destroyed the last two games — but hasn’t it been a pleasure watching telecasts without Fitz? That would be my dream.

    • Jesse Taylor

      I can’t argue with you there, but I do hope everything is okay with his family.